From "Kids Pick the Funniest Poems"
(edited by Bruce Lansky, Meadowbrook Press)
Willie the Burper
Some kids can talk like Donald Duck,
Some know how to chirp.
But Willie J. can swallow air
And then rip off a burp.
He’ll belch at home and in the car
And at his grandma’s, too.
His grandpa always laughs and says,
"That’s what I used to do."
"It’s not my fault," he tells his mom,
"That they’re inside of me.
I feel them run around down there
And want to set them free."
It’s hard to say what causes this,
But there’s no use to try.
I wonder how a zillion burps
Fit in this little guy.
© 1991 Bill Dodds
"How to Survive Your 40th Birthday"
(Meadowbrook Press)
The Physical Facts of Forty
"Hey," you might be saying to yourself, "I’m
not that old and I still have a great sense of humor." Sure. Complete this
simple statement:
Prunes are:
A. Funny.
B. Important.
See?
© 1990 Bill Dodds
What You Don't Know About Retirement:
A Funny Retirement Quiz
(Meadowbrook Press)
Q.
What's the difference between a birdhouse built by a Cub Scout and a birdhouse
built by a retiree?
A: Three weeks, seventeen trips to the hardware store, and about $1,500 worth of
power tools.
(c) 2000 Bill Dodds
"Are You Over the Hill?
Find Out Before It's Too Late!"
(Meadowbrook Press)
On the Job:
You've been
promoted to the point that you don't know what you're doing, but you know a lot
more than anyone else.
You have
eight months' worth of sick leave stored up.
You've got
your own filing system, and it works as long as no one touches anything
on your desk.
Your boss
is just a kid.
On the Road:
You always go
to the bathroom before you head out.
You
wouldn't think of leaving the house without a tissue or hankie in your pocket.
You prefer
wearing a silly hat to having a cold head.
You wander
the mall parking lot, searching for your car.
(c) 1994 Bill Dodds
1440 Reasons to Quit Smoking:
One for Every Minute of the Day
(Meadowbrook Press)
When you stop to smell the roses, you'll actually be able to smell them.
Your mama is going to be so pleased with you.
Every smoker quits eventually -- one way or another.
Deep down, you do care.
You've forgotten how chocolate really tastes.
One pack a day is 7,300 cigarettes per year.
There are worse things than quitting, which is why you want to quit.
You won't just live longer, you'll live better.
A smoky future never looks bright.
(c) 2000 Bill Dodds
"The Joy of Marriage"
(Meadowbrook Press)
Sometimes Cupid hits the
bull's-eye.
If he's your prince, it doesn't
matter if others think he's a frog.
People in love want what's best for
each other.
If life is a jigsaw puzzle, falling
in loving is finding the four corners.
A marriage license is really just a
learner's permit.
No marriage ever failed because the
flowers at the wedding weren't perfect.
Marriage is not for wimps.
Marriage holds no guarantees. If you
want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
A second marriage can feel like a
second chance at life.
In-laws, like mine fields in a
meadow, make married life interesting.
A joyful marriage is a bit of heaven
on earth.
No marriage is all sunshine, but two
people can share an umbrella if they huddle close.
(c) 1994 Monica and Bill Dodds
